Kontrol Histeria

 
Kisah didalam blog ini hanya rekaan semata-mata yang mungkin berkait rapat dengan kisah-kisah benar yang sudah diputarbelitkan untuk menjadi sesuatu yang lebih menarik. tidak mengandungi keperimanusiaan, penuh dengan cerita kerat-mengerat, seks rambang, pedophile dan sebagainya mengikut selera penulis.

Berikut merupakan penyataan empunya blog Kontrol Histeria. Gua setakat ini masih lagi kurang mengerti apa yang yang dimaksudkan dengan Kontrol Histeria. Setahu gua kontrol itu adalah perkataan 'control' yang telah dibahasamelayukan pengejaannya. Histeria itu pula membawa maksud selaku perlakuan yang menunjukkan ketakutan melampau dan tidak terkawal. Apakah blog ini sebenarnya berfungsi sebagai straightjacket dan topeng seperti untuk mereka yang mempunyai masalah mental? Adakah blog ini bertindak sebagai asylum untuk mereka yang mental dan mempunyai sifat-sifat melampaui batas normal? Mungkin sekali empunya blog ini sekadar bikin gempak menamakan blognya sedemikian rupa. Biasalahkan, pengguna blogspot ni ramai, susah nak memilih URL yang sesuai untuk blog. 

Tetapi setelah pengamatan dilakukan diblog berkenaan rupanya blog ini memaparkan sebuah genre yang dianggap asing dan pelik pada persepsi masyarakat. Blog ini benar-benar bertindak sebagai straightjacket kepada pemasalah mental dengan menyediakan ruang dan tempat untuk mereka berkarya dengan karya yang sering kali dianggap taboo. Kontrol Histeria juga boleh dikatakan telah menjadi asylum untuk mereka yang mempunyai permasalahan daya pemikiran yang aneh dan juga melampaui batas perikemanusian. Setakat ini ianya menempatkan 15 pesakit yang hampir kesemua mempunyai gelombang otak yang lain daripada majoriti individu dalam masyarakat.

Sememangnya empunya blog bikin gempak dengan memberi nama sebegitu  pada blognya tetapi inilah yang dinamakan kebajikan kerana ia bukan sahaja memberi peluang untuk mereka berlima belas melampiaskan nafsu berkarya masing-masing, tetapi juga memberi peluang kepada sesiapa untuk menghantar karya untuk dipaparkan di blog berkenaan. Usaha murni seperti ini jarang-jarang sekali berlaku didalam dunia moden harini. Sesungguhnya usaha murni empunya blog ini yang prihatin kepada golongan yang terpencil adalah amat-amat patut disanjung tinggi.

Dan bercakap mengenai genre pelik ini, setiap karya mesti mempunyai peminatnya yang tersendiri dan tidak terkecuali juga genre diblog Kontrol Histeria ini. Dalam kurang beberapa hari ia diperkenalkan kepada umum, setakat harini sudah menunjukkan terdapat lebih daripada 100 orang followers dan 111 likes di Facebook pages mereka. Ini menunjukkan masih ramai lagi yang diluar sana meminati dan mempunyai sifat-sifat aneh dan daya pemikiran luar daripada batas perikemanusian. Untuk melawati blog berkenaan, klik sahaja pada logo Kontrol Histeria di atas. Segala penghantaran karya boleh dilakukan kepada email kontrol.histeria@gmail.com 

# 18 tahun dan keatas sahaja dan blog ini bebas parental guidances

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Lulz of The Day #5

Spot the funniest bottle

# Menthol berganda!

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Awkward Moment: Funbox Lift

Awkward dan awkward dan terus awkward. Gua tulis manglish this time sebab gua rasa penat nak menulis  dan rather than tulis english and nampak bodoh bagai. Bukan sebab awkward tapi penat. Gua tengah bercuti so gua lebih bahagia jika dapat konsentrasikan cuti gua dengan masa rehat yang berpatutan. Biasalahkan, orang macam gua ni sibuk memanjang. Takde life!

This incident berlaku a few weeks lepas. For your information, gua bersarang di salah sebuah tempat yang penduduknya kebanyakkan terdiri daripada warga African Country, Arab and China dan kediaman gua mempunyai lif. Senang cerita rumah gua bertingkat-tingkat. Before the incident happens gua baru sahaja selesai makan malam bersama rakan gua di sebuah kedai yang berjauhan dan ingin pulang ke sarang untuk tidur. Gendang gendut tali kecapi, kenyang perut suka hati.

Bagi gua dan member-member gua yang tak ada life, kami menjadikan lif sebagai sebuah funbox untuk bergelak ketawa mengutuk foreigner kerana kami tahu mereka hanya tahu berbahasa melayu sikit-sikit sahaja. Apatah lagi untuk memahaminya. Di dalam lif lah kami mencari hiburan sekiranya ada foreigner yang berjaya mengambil perhatian kami. Ayat-ayat seperti "Wanginya awak" dan "Besarnye buah" merupakan joke-joke yang telah basi buat kami sehinggakan kadang kala hanya melihat mereka sahaja kami mampu berguling-guling kesakitan perut. Ok yg tu gua tipu. Tapi tengok telatah foreigner memang terhibur.

Nak dijadikan cerita, semasa gua masuk sahaja dalam lif, tiba-tiba datang sebuah couple join masuk sekali. So gua kebelakang sikit dan sandar pada dinding lif. The couple looks like African. But the girl is quite pelik. She was wearing a tank and short pants. She have all the low grade make up on her face. Including some weird facial hair. And the make up was so thick. Then while waiting for the lift to reach my floor I said "Tebalnya make up" and I look at my friend face. But my friend did not hear me so I repeat the word in slow mo version. TEBALNYA. MAKE. UP. And gua gelak-gelak. Suddenly...

Sebab saya nak pergi clubbing

Yeaah, that was the word that came out from her mouth. Gua sungguh terkejut dan terkelu lidah buat seketika. Perempuan tersebut toleh kebelakang dan menghamburkan kata-kata tersebut kepada gua. First time gua kena balik. Gua pandang muka dia sekejap then gua tunduk pandang lantai lif. Segan dan malu. Lelaki die pulak dah merapu cakap bahasa pelik-pelik dekat perempuan tu. Terdetik perasaan takut dalam hati gua tiba-tiba. Kalau kena tumbuk ke apa.

And to make my feeling worse, she got out at the same floor as mine. Gua cuak dia panggil gang dia hentak pintu rumah gua pulak. But it ends there. They went to the other side of the floor. Nasib baik dia tak caci maki gua lebih-lebih. Kalau dia marah gua sure gua balas balik "Is it a Halloween themed club you going?" Haha.

Perempuan tu lagi teruk daripada ni

So that was the story and my friend have a good laugh at me. Daripada selalu gelakkan foreigner, gua pulak kena gelak lepas tu. Karma's a bitch! Gua release cerita ni lambat sebab gua tunggu nak bertembung dengan perempuan tu balik. Mana tahu bila jumpa balik gua boleh lepak minum dengan dia pulak ke. Tapi malangnya gua tak jumpa dia lagi dah. Member gua cakap perempuan tu bukan African tapi Indian. Gua pun tak sure. Haha. 

# My nigga can say 'bungkus'. Sumpah lawak!

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Draft Draft

Hari ini hari Jumaat. Sila baca lebih lanjut untuk mengetahui lebih lanjut dan janganlah berharap anda akan lanjut usia mahupun lanjut pada anggota badan yang berkenaan. Berikut yang lanjut merupakan draft draft yang terdapat dalam telefon kecil gua yang sudah lanjut.

Puncak kebodohan orang yang bijaksana adalah marah.

Freemason? Pernah tengok Green Zone tak? When there is a belief, there will be someone who will against it. This group who who do not believe the existence of Freemason is also created by the Freemason in order to make the Freemason looks fictional.

Kenapa kita masih lagi percaya pada momokan bodoh hantu yang tidak wujud sedangkan kita tahu perkataan hantu itu sendiri datangnya bukan dari Bahasa Melayu sendiri. Malahan kita juga tahu bahawa roh orang mati tidak berada di atas bumi. Sebab tu hantu tak jejak bumi. Argh! Ini semua salah burung hantu.

Kahwin muda? Ini dunia akhir zaman. Budak-budak yang lahir ke dunia makin lama makin kecil fizikalnya dan juga makin lambat kematangan mereka. Nak kahwin awal? Takut nanti pusat yang banjir nya.

You need to prepare your own argument. Intellectual argue lead to the best solution.

Nak tegur, tegur sajalah. Tapi bila tegur macam kau tu perfect sangat, agak-agaklah la. Tak tegur tak jadi orang. Haaa...kan gua tengah menegur ni. Lu dah jadi orang!

RTM3 Isnin hingga Khamis pukul 7 mesti cerita cinta. 10.30 Selasa sampai Khamis mesti cerita cinta juga. Khamis malam tahu pulak letak cerita hantu. Owh, bawak awek pergi makan lepas pukul 8, kena tengok cerita cinta biar dapat kumpul ayat. Bila dah pukul 10.30, dah sampai kedai boleh layan cerita cinta lagi sambil pegang-pegang tangan. Khamis malam Jumaat apa barang lepak kedai, cerita hantu, so clubbing lah!

Rais Yatim? Two words. Double standard.

Semua drama mahupun filem yang disiarkan dalam negara kita banyak diselitkan bibit-bibit cinta. Tak habis-habis cinta. Cliche sungguh. Sampai ada yang buat blog pasal cinta. Aduhai. Cinta seolah-olah memainkan peranan besar dalam kehidupan setiap manusia. Argh! Mungkin kerajaan nak tingkat populasi penduduk negara agaknya.

Orang lain makan masa orang lain. Kalau gua meeting dengan lu sampai pukul 3, lu jangan lah nak extend sampai pukul 5. Gua ade life jugak. Diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak, dikemam mati pucuk.

# Memory full

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Funny Birthday

"RM0.00 KBS: SLMT HARI LAHIR, Semoga sentiasa sihat & ceria. Negara bangga mempunyai belia spt anda. Salam Mesra Dato' Ahmad Shabery Cheek Menteri Belia & Skn."

Ini merupakan the exact sms yang gua dapat tepat pukul 12 malam tadi. Sungguh terkejut gua bila mendapat ini message. Gua tergelak lalu tersentak seketika. Bila masa menteri simpan number gua. Fyi, number yang send message ni adalah 15888. Sungguh ong number beliau bukan. Tetapi berbagai persoalan bermain di minda gua ketika ini.

• Bila masa menteri kenal gua? Gua tak pernah jumpa pun Shabery Cheek ini. Yang gua ingat die ni dulu berterabur air liur time debat dgn Anwar Ibrahim. Keje die ni gua tahu asyik pergi lawatan oversea je. Tiap kali gua tengok Buletin Utama kat RTM3 selalunya die dekat oversea pakai baju tebal-tebal sebab sejuk kot.

• Apa yang gua buat sampai negara bangga dengan gua? Ini gua pelik dan ajaib sekali. Gua tak pernah produktif pun. Apatah lagi menyumbang emas dalam bidang sukan untuk negara.

• Belia ke gua ni? Gua remaja pun belum. Entah time bila gua skip baligh and teros jadi belia.

• Macam mana menteri boleh tahu birthday gua hari ini? Ini paling gua pelik. Entah mana die sedut maklumat gua. Birthday gua dekat Facebook pun gua tipu je. Ini yang gua rasa macam tak ada privasi dekat negara sendiri ni.

• Berapa banyak kerajaan berhabis duit bayar telco untuk wish semua belia dalam negara ni? Konon subsidi tak cukup la, lari bajet la, kearah negara berpendapatan tinggi la. Tapi bajet untuk buttkissing belia-belia dalam Malaysia ada pulak kan. Geli-geli je anus gua ni.

Mesra kan beliau?

# Birthday is too cliche for me. Just another day to me. Booring...

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Reasons Why I Prefer Pretty Babe More Than Cute Babe

Haha. May I start this week with this post. I have been messing around with the Badut series since early of last week and I got some horrible feedbacks from some Malaysian who apparently butthurted or got few headshots from my entries. Get well soon and please understand that I would not reply all your mails. Last week have been a very upside down week to me. Ignoring important things, preoccupying, sicking myself up and stoning. Some might say it is awesome but for me this is just plain fucked up. Sober.

I believe all the guys out there have their own taste and know how to find a suitable girl that is not only pleasant to your eyes but also know how to treat you. Some might love the cute face, some might not. Some might ejaculate looking at those cleanly waxed legs, some might puke. Some might have orgasm while listening to a nice erotic voice whining about shoes, some might drop dead. This time I'm going to narrow down the scope to face only and I categorise it into two, cute and pretty.

Well, I'm not being bias right here right now. Do not get me wrong. For me all the ladies out there are unique and have their own characteristic. You are what you are and you are beautiful. I worship women. Just for me, I differentiate women face into cute and pretty. No ugly face, no seposen face and no hideous face.

Because when you are old you just cannot turn your old face to a cute face

Just like any other typical guys, I do think about the future. Yes, I am being too far ahead because everything that involve feelings and commitments between two people of different sex is one serious thing for me. A partner to me is a forever partner. If you choose a pretty babe as your partner, in case her face start aging and have all the wrinkles everywhere, you will still find the face pretty. But if the same situation happen to a cute babe, I bet u will just freak out because a cute babe with wrinkles will never look cute anymore. It is like staring an evolved baby becoming an old lady. 

The idea is, how would you like to see the changes from your beautiful partner face come to an end. It is either you like to see it from pretty to less pretty or from cute to cute-less. I prefer the proper stage which is pretty to less pretty because cute to cute-less is like skipping on one phase which is the pretty phase. That is so not normal to me. It is like skipping on puberty. Because aging is one hell of sickness that is happening to everyone so I still prefer it to be normally in order

Cute is too paedophilic

I had enough with Selena Gomez and Miranda Cosgrove. No brief explanation needed for this point. You do the math.

# Oh my pretty babe...

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Lulz of The Day #4

Yup,priceless

oneMalaysia

#Tak kelakar jangan gelak

Aku Nak Berhenti Kerja

Oleh kerana gua telah dipaksa dan diperas ugut untuk menyambung cerita berantai dari seorang bapa dan merangkap suami, Irwan, lalu entry ini diciptakan. Walaupun hidup gua sekarang amat bercelaru dan terumbang-ambing kerana anak-anak ayam gua sudah dewasa dan bukan lagi anak-anak seperti dahulu kala. tetapi gua gagahkan jua. Maka dengan rasa terpaksa dan hormatnya gua akan menyambung cerita beliau. Nak buat macam mana kan. Kita budak-budak kena la hormati mereka yang lebih berusia. Dan yang lebih berusia pulak kena la ingat, respect is earned not given. Ini sambungannya.

Irwan

Ada orang tengah nak buang bangkai tauke dia jugak cam aku. Lalu aku tegur lelaki tersebut sambil bertanya beliau adakah beliau sudah makan. Beliau pun menjawab dengan nada suka hati sambil memberitahu bahawa dia sudah pun makan. Maka kami membakar mayat tauke kami secara berjemaah ala pembunuhan kejam Sosilawati Lawiya. Sebelom itu sempat juga aku kebas beberapa keping kad kredit platinum dan berbagai wang dari seluruh pelusuk dunia milik tauke-tauke berkenaan. Selesai sahaja pembakaran yang berbau seperti kacang tanah digoreng, aku pulang bersama lelaki berkenaan. Time inilah aku sempat bertanya nama beliau. Berikut adalah dialog yang berlangsung antara kami berdua.

"Nama apa bang?"

"Najib" jawab beliau yang turut membawa isteri beliau yang berambut kembang seperti singa. 

"Kenapa bunuh tauke tadi bang?" tanyaku sambil takut-takut kerana sedang di jeling manje oleh si rambut kembang.

"Biasalah. Dia degil tak dengar cakap siapa suruh. Dia tu boneka abang je. Abang ni yang tauke. Kau pulak?"

"Semua kerana kapitalis babi lupa diri yang rezeki itu bukan hak mereka semata-mata"

"Abang paham. Abang paham. Abang kapitalis juga, tapi kapitalis baik hati. Kena ingat yang niat tak menghalalkan cara" Balas beliau sambil membuat muka dungu dengan lagak brader-brader.

"Saya baru perasan. Nama abang macam Perdana Menteri Malaysia la. Abang jangan la pulak cakap nama bapak abang Tun Razok" Aku menukar topik kerana malas melayan si dungu yang jahil.

"Haa, tu bapak gua la tu. Adik ni tak perasan ke abang la yang selalu masuk RTM3 tu. Tu yang dekat belakang abang tu laki abang la. Cute tak die?" jawab beliau sambil bermuka bangga dan riak.

"Cute bang. Cute sangat-sangat. Mencanak adik saya ni walaupun penat membunuh tadi" jawabku untuk mengambil hati beliau moga-moga dapat tender sekolah.

"Bedebah punya budak! Laki aku tu! Yang, cekik dia. Kita C4 je budak ni" Jerit beliau.

"Bereh bereh" jawab si perempuan berambut kembang hodoh yang duduk di belakang sambil tersenyum kegirangan.


Akhirnye aku bukan sahaja berhenti bekerja. Aku juga berhenti bernyawa. Sekian.


# Mana ada kapitalis baik hati. Tunjuk sini bukti!

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Awkward Moment: KTMB Women Coach

I shall continue with my series of Awkwad Moment this time. I have been quite busy this whole week. Spending time with loved one, reunion, traveling etc. etc. Regarding to traveling, I believe all of you know that Keretapi Tanah Melayu Berhad has introduced their new women coach since last April. The women coach which placed as the middle coach of the train has caused lots of misunderstanding and confusion among the passengers. So, this story is about the sexist coach and my friend.

My friend is a transport-less person. He survive from one point to another point most of the time by using public transport. That day he wanted to go to KL from his grandparent's hometown, Seremban. The most economical way to get to KL from Seremban is by using the most lousy public transport of Malaysia, KTM. I bet 97.99% of KTM users insatisfy with the service provided to them. Trains departure are not following to the schedule, train too slow, very little number of trip in one day and many more.To cut the story short, I will stop complaining. 

Because of the train have arrived by the time of my friend reached the Seremban station, he ran towards the the train. For your information, at Seremban station, once you get out from the ticket gate you will see the middle coach is in front of you if there is train stopping there. Then he entered the train. The middle coach to be exact. Door close and this is where the awkward scene could be seen. 

Ken Wooi's artwork

He stood near the train's door and saw everybody was looking at him. All the eyes keep staring and gave a weird look. Some of them grinned at him. He look at every corners of the coach. He then realised that the train is full of homosapiens with vagina. Not even sissy or tomboy were inside the coach. He feel so weird. He did not know that the coach is reserved for ladies. But it did not end there.

If you do not know, sometimes the train inspector will randomly come inside the the train and check on passengers tickets to make sure there is no illegal passenger boarding the train. My friend was 'lucky' to find there is still two men with blue shirt inside the train on the other side of the coach. Both of the inspector came to everyone and checked on their tickets. By the time the inspector was in front of him, he gave his tickets to the inspector. Then the inspector said;

Bagi sini IC sekali.

My friend who was confused gave his IC and the inspector cynically said that my friend is confused with his gender while the inspector take a look on the IC. He could heard some chicks laughed at him when the inspector said that. He felt so furious and ashamed. The inspector asked him to change to another coach at the next station later on. Before he reached the next station he managed to give a piece of his mind to both of the inspector.

Lain kali jangan letak sticker pink kecik-kecik dekat tingkap. Kasi cat teros satu coach colour pink. Senang!

For me, men coach should be introduced too in order to curb people from thinking this world is created for women. How long can we stand all this sexist activities. Women already have their ministry in almost all of the countries in the world but we still have not. After all, I'm still being sexually abused everytime I used public transport. By women.

#Being surrounded by women is not the best fantasy after all.

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Lulz of The Day #3

Click on the picture for better view

This is a print screen picture from my previous entry. Im amaze with this comment. Well after all, it is true that we should put History as a compulsory subject to pass SPM. You can check this link to view the comments.

Pernah Ke Sultan Berdoa Untuk Rakyat?

Gua jumpe ni dekat PayaBesarPedas. Nice one! Sebab esok Hari Keputeraan Yang di-Pertuan Besar Negeri Sembilan. Gua pon ade kena mengena dengan Negeri Sembilan. Gua selalu lepak Nilai. Bukan Nilai 3 tapi Bandar Baru Nilai. Gua suke gila dengan coretan hati ni.

Esok ialah hari lahir tuanku

Esok semua orang kena cuti

Tapi aku kena kerja jugak.
Perasankah tuanku
Esok juga ialah hari Jumaat?

Jumaat lepas aku telah ditemukan dengan rakyatmu yang macam aku jugak;
Miskin, takde kabel, anak bini sakit dan terdesak.
Namun,  bila ditanya, katanya pada raja kita kena taat.

Jumaat sebelumnya aku sedang memandu di jalan raya,
Terpaksa bawak slow sebab minyak keta kering giler.
Sampai di stesen minyak, duit spare terpaksa aku guna. 

Yang dapatnya tak sampai separuh tangki sebab petrol dah naik harga.

Jumaat sebelum-sebelumnya, aku sedang berpanas di atas bumbung rumah orang sebab nak pasang awning. Setelah susah payah, siaplah sudah dan dapatlah baki bayaran dari pelanggan. Tak sampai 3 jam, duit itu habis kugunakan nak beli barang keperluan yang kekontangan.

Pernah beberapa kali aku nak bersalam dengan tuanku lepas solat Jumaat,
Tapi sebab pakaianku tak kemas agaknya, aku tenggelam oleh deretan jawatankuasa masjid, datukdatuk dan mangkuk-mangkuk yang nak menyium tangan tuanku.

Pernah beberapa kali aku cuba nak berkomunikasi denganmu sebelum aku berputu asaan. Tapi tak sapa yang tahu alamat, email atau akaun FB kau. Rumah tuanku pun jauh dari pintu gate. Pasti tuanku takkan dengar laungan salamku pada petang itu.

Setiap Jumaat kami doakan kesejahteraanmu
Khatib tu akan ditukarkan kalau dia tak buat begitu.
Takkanlah takde seorang dari 40 orang ini yang doanya makbul?
Selalu aku tertanya dalam hatiku,
Sedang tanganku yang hina ini menadahkan amin untukmu:

Pernahkah tuanku berdoa untuk kami?
Pernahkah tuanku FIKIRKAN tentang kami?

Esok ialah hari lahir tuanku

Aku akan doakan kesejahteraanmu buat kali terakhir
Kerana selepas itu,
Semua ini tiada erti lagi padaku.

Daulat Tuanku
Aku sudah putus asa denganmu

 

 Original story is here

#  Harapan tinggal harapan. Macam hari tu gua ade mengharap, mungkin tak kesampaian. Yeah, hope is for losers. Gua pon terpikir jugak. Kalau kita berdoa dengan ada niat untuk orang lain mendoakan untuk diri kita, bukan ke itu dah kira tak ikhlas. Tapi gua pon ada terpikir, kita buat amal semua-semua sebab kita nak pahala, itu pun dikira tak ikhlas ke?

Friend's Assignment On Modernise, Rude and Obscene Romeo and Juliet Play

I was online with my Facebook yesterday then I read on my friend's status. 

How the hell do you make 'Romeo n Juliet' sound rude, modern and obscene?

Then I commented on the status asking about the script and offering my help on rephrasing and rewriting of the play. She gave me the link and I rephrase and rewrite some of the play. Luckily not the whole play because she said her lecturer wanted only a the dirty scene from the play. It was hard I tell you. There was 3 scenes and I only managed to make it modern, rude and obscene for only 50% of the scenes. For those who never read Romeo and Juliet play, you guys should Google it then compare with my version. Watch out for the (cant help) that I wrote in the script. That means I failed to rewrite the script. Lulz. Apology for making the script in .jpeg form. Credit to Shakespeare.

Act 1, Scene 1

Act 1, Scene 3 (nurse part only)

Act 2, Scene 1

# You jump, I jump, we die. Stupid dum dum!
 

Kun Fayakun

Semuanya yang berlaku dalam alam semesta ini adalah dengan izin Tuhan. Pikir-pikirkanlah. Kalau tiba-tiba muncul gay yang bangga dengan ke-gay-an beliau,salah siapa lagi tu. Kejap,perlu ke nak cari salah siapa? Tak perlu nak salahkan sesiapa atau nak melatah tak tentu hala. Bukankah itu kejadian Tuhan? Gua bagi satu ayat cliche. "Semua yang berlaku ada hikmahnya". Biarlah Azwan Ismail ke, Azwan Ali ke, Aznil Haji Nawawi ke nak jadi gay atau straight mahupun bisexual.  Nabi pernah berhadis, berkata benarlah kamu walaupun kebenaran itu pahit. Ya, jujur itu tidak salah tapi perlukah menunjukkan aib sendiri dan berbangga mengenai ke-gay-an beliau di Malaysia yang kadar keterbukaannya begitu rendah? Memang cari pasal la. Membuka aib itu pun salah. Adakan Azwan Ismail ingin memulakan revolusi? Kita nanti-nantikan. Gua? Gua tgh keling. Gua neutral. Rules aren't always right.

# Kita kena jujur kan? Tapi kenapa kita tak boleh nak berkata benar bila ianya berkaitan dengan aib orang? Kita kena jaga aib orang. Adakah Islam mengajar kita untuk menyembunyikan? Gua tahu tak boleh buka aib supaya orang tak mengata sebab manusia memang suka mengata dan nanti tambah dosa. Sesiapa boleh tolong jawabkan?

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Awkward Moment: Nature's Call

A very constipate morning to each and everyone of you loyal readers. Heh, as if I have a really real reader (3R) and follower who read on this blog. To who might be the 3R of this blog, hope you guys don't have any constipation today. Mine was a little bit fluid with extra fart. Nope it's not diarrhea because I'm suffering from IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME (IBS) which make any kind of stool that come out from my anus are pretty unpredictable. So today I want to share my experience that related to shit,poo,defecating or anything you would like to describe the process of excretion of wasted materials from your anus.

Have you ever crashed at somebody place and suddenly you feel like excreting from your anus so badly? I bet you have. It's nature's call so it's nature for you to go to the toilet and answer the call there. Since you are using toilet in someone's house, I believe you'll behave and have a manner that are opposite to the manner you have when you are in public toilet or your own. You'll flush, you'll try to reduce the smell of your brownies, and to some extend you'll just pour the shower foam in the bowl to counter with the unpleasant smell. But,have you ever encounter the problem of unflushable poo?

Fuuuuuuu....what should I do? This is shiaaattttt!

Yes, there is shit in the bowl. The shit that just won't swim freely in swirl of the water from the tank, the shit that now haunting you with enormous embarrassment and would make you a hot topic to gossip about for at least one week long. Unflushable poo can cause you severe headache and anxiety due to the condition that you are using none of your own toilet. To make it worst, there's someone outside waiting for you to get you stink arse out of the there.

Credit to Wikimedia.org

My experience was pretty bad, I was at my best friend's house and because of my IBS problem, I spent for about 15 minutes just to defecate. Plus another 20 minutes to make the shit sink. That is very long time for an average size male to be in a toilet for non-masturbating purposes. I kept flushing and flushing more than 5 times. Waiting for the  tank to get full was a very shitty phase. At that time my friend's parents was outside and I bet they heard the sound of me flushing repeatedly. To make my headache worse, my friend keep on knocking the toilet's door asking me whether I'm answering nature's call or masturbating. I felt so embarrassed at that time. I thought I was at a dead-end but due to competitive spirit that I have, I just won't give up to that horribly-looking-brownies. 

So suddenly I figured out a way. I took a pail full of water and I tossed all the water inside the bowl in a fast manner. I stared focusly at the bowl. Later, the brownies gone. At last, I won. Thanks to my experience of using old fashioned toilet that built without any water tank which needed you to squat and bring your own pail of water before going to the toilet. Experience really a good teacher. So, I won! no unpleasant smell, flushed bowl. Just a little tease from my friend's mother. So guys,any experience you want to share? Lets spam the comment box! I would love to know your story and how you overcome your problem.

# Unflushable poo can give you a quiet big embarrassment in public too. I have saw a guy who used a toilet get scolded for not flushing. Thrice.

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Why There Is Lots of Roadblocks at The End of Year

SCHOOL BREAK 

Because end of year is the time of school break and this is the time that most of the student are jobless and do almost nothing at home. The tendency for students to be involve in crime is slightly higher than the normal rate because of their boredom and lack of pocket money. Well, I believe most of parents in Malaysia practice the "no school,no pocket money" principle. So this could be the cause of teenagers involve in crime. At this time we can see most of them would involve in illegal racing and spending hours of time loitering till late at night which later become a custody in lock up. This however is an essential way to enhance the bond between the parents and their kids.

Credit to The Star

ROAD USER
End of year is the time to finish your annual holidays. So most of the people will go on vacation and use the road more frequently. Roadblock is an essential way to make sure driver does not accelerate more than the stupid speed limit because you will just get stuck in jam because of the stupid roadblock. One thing should not be forget, this is the time for employees to receive their bonuses. So, go to heck will all the summons, people will just ignore the rules because they know they have the money to pay for the consequences of their act. And roadblock is an effective way to curb the ignorant driver.

POLICE FORCE/JPJ
It is the end of the year and this is the last chance to fulfill all the quota that were gave to each and every division of the authorities. Yup, they have the quota need to be fulfill such as the summon quota. This is where the government get to increase their revenue because tax alone is not sufficient for 'them'. Parallel to the bonuses received by employees, they will just summon and keep summon anybody they feel like to.


#Reality is almost always wrong

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Demokrasi Minoriti Hippie

 kita kasi terbalik ini negara demokrasi

kerja tindih minoriti

kita semua jadi hippie

baru aman damai n free

kita bakar semua money

biar lumpuh ekonomi

kita amal barter kembali

kasi tangkap itu kapitalis babi

biar depa kena kasi

yeah!

tapi harapan tinggal harapan 

kalau kita still tido mati

#picture credit to Google

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Causes of Traffic Jam in Malaysia

Sexism

• Woman taking all their sweet time on the road to multitask by putting make-up and adjusting their bra hook.
• Man taking all their sweet time to swear at all women who drive so slow.
• Women are just born not to drive.

Government

• Malaysian showing their protest to the government by driving very slowly because they not getting what they should get from the tax payer money, thus, making the Malaysian less productive.
• Too many accident and the road is not wide enough.
• Too many cars that driven by eligible driver or ineligible driver.
• Too many tolls and traffic light that not works effectively.
• Government just suck in urban planning and design.
• Traffic congestion is just another wonders of Malaysia.

Driver

• Lorry driver or any higher vehicle driver taking their horny time to peep the next car to see if there is any cleavage or girl scratching their pussy.
• People enjoying the scenery because for them it is not driving but sight seeing.
• Too many Ah Beng racing and showing off their car on the road.
• Rempit becoming less or have improve their standard and more of them showing off on the road(it is in their blood).
• Psychological and mental capabilities of Malaysian driver are so low.

#Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.

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Paternalism: The Good or The Harm

To characterize attitudes or political systems that are thought to deprive individuals of freedom and responsibility, only nominally serving their interests, while in fact pursuing another agenda which is directly against the interests of the individuals. For paternalism definition please see Paternalism: Introduction. Paternalism requires motorcyclists to wear helmets. It forbids people from swimming at a public beach when lifeguards are not present. It forbids the sale of various drugs deemed to be ineffective. It forbids the sale of various drugs believed to be harmful. It does not allow consent to certain forms of assault to be a defense against prosecution for that assault. This is example of reasonable paternalism.

Paternalism force us to be obedient to all the rules that were made by human being that believe they are better thinker and superior than us. What the fuk! Every paternalistic approach which were justified by claiming it is for the greater good of everyone that created for somebody selfishness are  bullshit. For instance, the Internal Security Act (ISA) that were being used in Ops Lalang back then in 1987. The government that were lead by Madeath claimed all the opposition leaders and social activist could create racial tension in Malaysia which 106 persons were arrested under the Internal Security Act (ISA) and the publishing licenses of two dailies, The Star and the Sin Chew Jit Poh and two weeklies, The Sunday Star and Watan, were revoked.The truth is, Madeath and all his butt kisser objective is to win the next election. They say the status quo are being jeopardise but everybody know thing that were jeopardised was only their position in government.

Paternalism and double standard

For me, paternalistic approach is bullshit when it only serve for the interest of others. Paternalistic do not uphold freedom of rights. Paternalism interfere with our freedom of rigths. Why somebody can assume he/she knows better than any other else? What the fuk! To not preserve the human right would mean you are undermine our intelligence. Thus, questioning our ability of digesting information and making decision. See, paternalistic is only for minor because minor still cannot do the thinking properly and not liable of digesting information and making decision. Remember, paternalism is all about good and harm and we should never let others to decide and control what is good or harm to us.

# I jump, you jump,we die.

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Reasons for owning a Perodua

1. You are broke and sold your car, but need a cheap one to get around. A Perodua is the perfect car if your current situation is like the one described.

2. It's better than Proton. now THAT'S a very solid reason. For now though. 

3. You are careful with money but dumb. This reason is not as common as the first one, but it can happen. So be wary that you don't become a statistic.

4. You like driving around in a box on four wheels. if so.. it is recommended you drive with a paper bag on your head. note: it is not necessary to cut holes for your eyes so you can see. you cannot control the car anyways

5. You have too much money and wanna burn some. but burning is no fun apparently. You wanna buy some Perodua Klearlisux or KennyG or dat new "mywee" juz to stack them up and knock them down

6. You work for Perodua, which probably means you are broke, and are given a Perodua as a company car. Most Perodua employees often come to work late despite getting up very early in the morning. They are also the main reason why Malaysian highways are always jammed.

7. Your parent buy you one. nah, your parents don't really like you, do they? Go and kill them now!

8. You in the other hand, thinks that Perodua is really cool!!!. Now, you better see your doctor to check your insanity!

9. Your children are being held hostage

10. You had one too many at a pub and figured you need a backup vomit bucket

11. You Are Ah Beng

12. You have been hypnotised by the Perodua corporation

13. You will go to any lengths to bring glory to the Malaysian economy

14. You're GAY

15. It cant be much worse compare to Proton. 

Credit to Uncyclopedia

Money Is The Key To Happiness

"People say that money isn't the key to happiness,but I always figured if you have enough money, you can get a key made"

The capitalism have make us dependent on money and realising that money is just a matter for everything. World become upside down because of money. The core to most of every problem is because of money. Everything is cause by money. We blame the money. But thanks to money,we can now get less involvement in  fight trying to barter our stuff with others. World at peace again because of money.

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