Awkward Moment: Funbox Lift

Awkward dan awkward dan terus awkward. Gua tulis manglish this time sebab gua rasa penat nak menulis  dan rather than tulis english and nampak bodoh bagai. Bukan sebab awkward tapi penat. Gua tengah bercuti so gua lebih bahagia jika dapat konsentrasikan cuti gua dengan masa rehat yang berpatutan. Biasalahkan, orang macam gua ni sibuk memanjang. Takde life!

This incident berlaku a few weeks lepas. For your information, gua bersarang di salah sebuah tempat yang penduduknya kebanyakkan terdiri daripada warga African Country, Arab and China dan kediaman gua mempunyai lif. Senang cerita rumah gua bertingkat-tingkat. Before the incident happens gua baru sahaja selesai makan malam bersama rakan gua di sebuah kedai yang berjauhan dan ingin pulang ke sarang untuk tidur. Gendang gendut tali kecapi, kenyang perut suka hati.

Bagi gua dan member-member gua yang tak ada life, kami menjadikan lif sebagai sebuah funbox untuk bergelak ketawa mengutuk foreigner kerana kami tahu mereka hanya tahu berbahasa melayu sikit-sikit sahaja. Apatah lagi untuk memahaminya. Di dalam lif lah kami mencari hiburan sekiranya ada foreigner yang berjaya mengambil perhatian kami. Ayat-ayat seperti "Wanginya awak" dan "Besarnye buah" merupakan joke-joke yang telah basi buat kami sehinggakan kadang kala hanya melihat mereka sahaja kami mampu berguling-guling kesakitan perut. Ok yg tu gua tipu. Tapi tengok telatah foreigner memang terhibur.

Nak dijadikan cerita, semasa gua masuk sahaja dalam lif, tiba-tiba datang sebuah couple join masuk sekali. So gua kebelakang sikit dan sandar pada dinding lif. The couple looks like African. But the girl is quite pelik. She was wearing a tank and short pants. She have all the low grade make up on her face. Including some weird facial hair. And the make up was so thick. Then while waiting for the lift to reach my floor I said "Tebalnya make up" and I look at my friend face. But my friend did not hear me so I repeat the word in slow mo version. TEBALNYA. MAKE. UP. And gua gelak-gelak. Suddenly...

Sebab saya nak pergi clubbing

Yeaah, that was the word that came out from her mouth. Gua sungguh terkejut dan terkelu lidah buat seketika. Perempuan tersebut toleh kebelakang dan menghamburkan kata-kata tersebut kepada gua. First time gua kena balik. Gua pandang muka dia sekejap then gua tunduk pandang lantai lif. Segan dan malu. Lelaki die pulak dah merapu cakap bahasa pelik-pelik dekat perempuan tu. Terdetik perasaan takut dalam hati gua tiba-tiba. Kalau kena tumbuk ke apa.

And to make my feeling worse, she got out at the same floor as mine. Gua cuak dia panggil gang dia hentak pintu rumah gua pulak. But it ends there. They went to the other side of the floor. Nasib baik dia tak caci maki gua lebih-lebih. Kalau dia marah gua sure gua balas balik "Is it a Halloween themed club you going?" Haha.

Perempuan tu lagi teruk daripada ni

So that was the story and my friend have a good laugh at me. Daripada selalu gelakkan foreigner, gua pulak kena gelak lepas tu. Karma's a bitch! Gua release cerita ni lambat sebab gua tunggu nak bertembung dengan perempuan tu balik. Mana tahu bila jumpa balik gua boleh lepak minum dengan dia pulak ke. Tapi malangnya gua tak jumpa dia lagi dah. Member gua cakap perempuan tu bukan African tapi Indian. Gua pun tak sure. Haha. 

# My nigga can say 'bungkus'. Sumpah lawak!

raar

Awkward Moment: KTMB Women Coach

I shall continue with my series of Awkwad Moment this time. I have been quite busy this whole week. Spending time with loved one, reunion, traveling etc. etc. Regarding to traveling, I believe all of you know that Keretapi Tanah Melayu Berhad has introduced their new women coach since last April. The women coach which placed as the middle coach of the train has caused lots of misunderstanding and confusion among the passengers. So, this story is about the sexist coach and my friend.

My friend is a transport-less person. He survive from one point to another point most of the time by using public transport. That day he wanted to go to KL from his grandparent's hometown, Seremban. The most economical way to get to KL from Seremban is by using the most lousy public transport of Malaysia, KTM. I bet 97.99% of KTM users insatisfy with the service provided to them. Trains departure are not following to the schedule, train too slow, very little number of trip in one day and many more.To cut the story short, I will stop complaining. 

Because of the train have arrived by the time of my friend reached the Seremban station, he ran towards the the train. For your information, at Seremban station, once you get out from the ticket gate you will see the middle coach is in front of you if there is train stopping there. Then he entered the train. The middle coach to be exact. Door close and this is where the awkward scene could be seen. 

Ken Wooi's artwork

He stood near the train's door and saw everybody was looking at him. All the eyes keep staring and gave a weird look. Some of them grinned at him. He look at every corners of the coach. He then realised that the train is full of homosapiens with vagina. Not even sissy or tomboy were inside the coach. He feel so weird. He did not know that the coach is reserved for ladies. But it did not end there.

If you do not know, sometimes the train inspector will randomly come inside the the train and check on passengers tickets to make sure there is no illegal passenger boarding the train. My friend was 'lucky' to find there is still two men with blue shirt inside the train on the other side of the coach. Both of the inspector came to everyone and checked on their tickets. By the time the inspector was in front of him, he gave his tickets to the inspector. Then the inspector said;

Bagi sini IC sekali.

My friend who was confused gave his IC and the inspector cynically said that my friend is confused with his gender while the inspector take a look on the IC. He could heard some chicks laughed at him when the inspector said that. He felt so furious and ashamed. The inspector asked him to change to another coach at the next station later on. Before he reached the next station he managed to give a piece of his mind to both of the inspector.

Lain kali jangan letak sticker pink kecik-kecik dekat tingkap. Kasi cat teros satu coach colour pink. Senang!

For me, men coach should be introduced too in order to curb people from thinking this world is created for women. How long can we stand all this sexist activities. Women already have their ministry in almost all of the countries in the world but we still have not. After all, I'm still being sexually abused everytime I used public transport. By women.

#Being surrounded by women is not the best fantasy after all.

raar 

Awkward Moment: Silent Sex

Let me continue with this series of Awkward Moment. This time I'm not the person who live in the awkward situation. This is a story of my best friend who has undergo a very awkward moment toward his girlfriend and his friends. In the name of Friends Official Secret Act, I'm just going to name him as Mike. So, what kind of awkward situation have Mike been into?

It started when Mike went to a club and partying with his bunch of friends together with his new girlfriend. Club as you all know is a place to socialise and to score chicks. Mike was the only guy who bring girlfriend to the club among his friends. So he was excluded from socialising with other chicks. To keep it short, they're drunk, full of adrenalin and obviously horny. Apparently, nobody score any chick and they headed back to their apartment. Mike was hoping to get laid that night. So by bringing his new girlfriend home would be a nice way to realise his dream. By the way, this is so not gang raping rempit-like. This is all about satisfying each other needs.

Grrr...

So bla bla bla and bla bla bla. After foreplay and everything, they were experiencing sexual activities. But Mike girlfriend unfortunately make him became uncomfortable. She was making a very loud noise that should not be heard by any others. The pleasant-sound-to-men-ears that suppose to be heard within 2 metres radius have become a noise that can be heard within 15 metres radius. The sounds that could mistakenly assume as from somebody being abuse or torture. Furthermore, could you imagine the sounds is being made from an apartment.

Mike is a damn shy person. So he keep reminding his girlfriend to not obviously telling people that they were having sex. He didn't want his friend to tease him the next day. But his girlfriend was a really stubborn or maybe she can't handle what Mike have. Enough is enough for Mike. So Mike just stopped and gave his girlfriend a piece of his mind as a last warning. She then yelled back at Mike.

Even mute people become noisy during sex you dumbfuck!

Eventually, it all ended there. Mike didn't get the chance to satisfy himself and curiously want to know how the hell would his girlfriend know mute would become noisy during sexual intercourse. Mike sat at one corner while the girlfriend which later become his ex-girlfriend sat at another corner till morning. He sent the girl home afterward. When his friends woke up, he try to hide in his bedroom but Mike got a standing ovation and a very big applause from his friends in the morning. They congratulated him. For his friend, the louder the girl groan, the more skillful you are. Mike who still in depressed and shy then asked his friends,

If mute people how come ah?

Awkward Moment: Nature's Call

A very constipate morning to each and everyone of you loyal readers. Heh, as if I have a really real reader (3R) and follower who read on this blog. To who might be the 3R of this blog, hope you guys don't have any constipation today. Mine was a little bit fluid with extra fart. Nope it's not diarrhea because I'm suffering from IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME (IBS) which make any kind of stool that come out from my anus are pretty unpredictable. So today I want to share my experience that related to shit,poo,defecating or anything you would like to describe the process of excretion of wasted materials from your anus.

Have you ever crashed at somebody place and suddenly you feel like excreting from your anus so badly? I bet you have. It's nature's call so it's nature for you to go to the toilet and answer the call there. Since you are using toilet in someone's house, I believe you'll behave and have a manner that are opposite to the manner you have when you are in public toilet or your own. You'll flush, you'll try to reduce the smell of your brownies, and to some extend you'll just pour the shower foam in the bowl to counter with the unpleasant smell. But,have you ever encounter the problem of unflushable poo?

Fuuuuuuu....what should I do? This is shiaaattttt!

Yes, there is shit in the bowl. The shit that just won't swim freely in swirl of the water from the tank, the shit that now haunting you with enormous embarrassment and would make you a hot topic to gossip about for at least one week long. Unflushable poo can cause you severe headache and anxiety due to the condition that you are using none of your own toilet. To make it worst, there's someone outside waiting for you to get you stink arse out of the there.

Credit to Wikimedia.org

My experience was pretty bad, I was at my best friend's house and because of my IBS problem, I spent for about 15 minutes just to defecate. Plus another 20 minutes to make the shit sink. That is very long time for an average size male to be in a toilet for non-masturbating purposes. I kept flushing and flushing more than 5 times. Waiting for the  tank to get full was a very shitty phase. At that time my friend's parents was outside and I bet they heard the sound of me flushing repeatedly. To make my headache worse, my friend keep on knocking the toilet's door asking me whether I'm answering nature's call or masturbating. I felt so embarrassed at that time. I thought I was at a dead-end but due to competitive spirit that I have, I just won't give up to that horribly-looking-brownies. 

So suddenly I figured out a way. I took a pail full of water and I tossed all the water inside the bowl in a fast manner. I stared focusly at the bowl. Later, the brownies gone. At last, I won. Thanks to my experience of using old fashioned toilet that built without any water tank which needed you to squat and bring your own pail of water before going to the toilet. Experience really a good teacher. So, I won! no unpleasant smell, flushed bowl. Just a little tease from my friend's mother. So guys,any experience you want to share? Lets spam the comment box! I would love to know your story and how you overcome your problem.

# Unflushable poo can give you a quiet big embarrassment in public too. I have saw a guy who used a toilet get scolded for not flushing. Thrice.

raar